"Mirror Of Ink"

I look into this mirror of ink and see a soul that has no beauty in itself, but is silvery-white in the light of

Your Grace that covers me and makes me new.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Death of a Dream


What do you do when dreams die?

As a young person, I was a dreamer. I had big dreams for my life. Visions of doing what I loved and being successful at it. Hopes of making a difference in the world. Dreams of making my mark in history. I wanted to do something big. Something impressive. Something revolutionary.

As I got older, I realized that there was no way I could possibly fulfill all the dreams that I had. I couldn't be a writer/singer/songwriter/actress/public speaker/teacher/artist/chef/lawyer/decorator/musician. It would be absurd to try to do so many different things. Some dreams had to die. I had to sacrifice some dreams to be able to pursue others. It was a painful, but necessary process.

Eventually I got to the point where I began seeking God for His dreams, rather than my own. I realized that the pursuit of my dreams could bring temporary fulfillment, but unless I was pursuing God's dream for my life, I would always be lacking something. So I prayed. I fasted. I sought after God. And He gave me a dream. The dream of being in full-time ministry and using my passion for the arts to glorify Him and minister to others. I saw myself ministering to countless people, traveling the world, and making an eternal difference. It was a big dream. Something that was bigger than myself. But I believed if God gave it to me, then it could happen.

So Derick and I started on our journey of ministry together, and God began giving me small glimpses of that dream becoming reality. But God began stirring something else inside of me- the dream of a family. The desire to have children and be a mother. My dreams of full-time ministry began to give way to the dream of family. And once again, I had to sacrifice some dreams to be able to pursue motherhood. Again, it was a painful, but necessary process.

As we started our family, I continued to be as involved in ministry as I could while still giving attention to my children. Some dreams- many dreams- were put on hold. There would be days when I was completely content with my place in life at that moment, and some days when I mourned the death of my youthful dreams. But I held onto the promises and dreams God had given me, and believed that in His time, all things would be fulfilled.

Time has passed, and recently we found ourselves watching another dream die- the dream that God had given us for our ministry in Albany. There were many wonderful things that we were able to be a part of in our time there, but it was still painful to realize that our time there was over, and we had to move on. The dream that had driven our ministry had to die. Painful, but necessary.

Now we find ourselves in a new place, with new possibilities, and I am starting to have a new outlook on life, dreams, and timing. Sometimes I've wondered, why would God give me a dream, only to watch it die? How could he birth something in my spirit and then expect me to be ok with abandoning that dream for something else? Or would God even do that?

I believe He would, and He does. I am reminded of the story of Abraham. God had given Him a dream. He was promised to have a son, despite his old age. And not just a son, but to have descendants that would outnumber the stars. That is a pretty incredible dream. I'm sure Abraham dealt with many of the emotions we deal with when God gives us an impossible dream: excitement, confusion, doubt, anticipation, anxiety, etc. I bet he had days when he knew without a doubt that this dream would become reality. And then he probably had days when he wondered if he had even heard from God at all, or if he had just conjured up the whole thing. But it was God. And God kept his promise. Abraham and Sarah had a son, Isaac.

This is where the story gets confusing. Abraham is told by God to sacrifice his son- the fulfillment of his dream- and kill him as an worship offering. This totally contradicted the dream God had given him. How was he supposed to be the father of nations if he killed his only son? How could God give him this dream, and then kill it? I have wondered the same thing. How could God give me these desires and dreams, and then ask me to sacrifice them? Although Abraham had to have been devastated at the thought of killing not only his son, but his dreams along with him, he was obedient. He traveled up the mountain and lovingly placed his son on the altar. He was ready to do what God asked him- to kill his dream. But God provided an alternate just in time.

This is what I have come to realize- that we, like Abraham, must value the Dream-Giver more than the dream itself. And when we are willing to sacrifice our dreams, God provides another- an alternate- and an always better option. When circumstances change and dreams must die, God does not leave us to figure out things for ourselves. Rather, the death of those dreams bring the birth and life of new and better dreams. Just as a seed must die in the ground to produce new growth, sometimes a dream must die in order to bring about new life and new dreams.

I am convinced that God gives us dreams in seasons. My God-dream from 5 years ago is very different from my God-dream today. And I pray that 5 years from now, my God-dream will have changed and grown into something even greater. But our focus cannot be on the dreams. We must chase after the Giver of dreams. Pursue Him with your whole heart. Sometimes dreams will fall along the wayside, but if you are wholeheartedly pursuing the Dream-Giver, you can be confident that something greater is right around the corner.

Perhaps you are still seeking God for His dream for your life. Maybe you are walking in that dream right now. Or maybe, like me, you are going through the painful experience of the death of a dream. In any situation and in every circumstance, we must keep our eyes on God- the Giver of dreams- and trust that although dreams may die, He never changes.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Problem With Planning

I have this problem: I am a planner.

I am the person that has the planner in my purse with a yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily calendar. I can be as detailed with my planning as I have time for. I even find that I write down things in my planner after I've done them, just because. At the beginning of the day I need to know what is going to happen throughout that day. I need to know what we are eating for dinner before I even make breakfast. I just function better with a plan.

To some people, that doesn't seem like it would be a problem. Some more unorganized people would love to be able to come up with a plan and follow through. Yet they wander through life, free from planning, living spontaneously. Oh, how I envy those people.

You see, as a Christian, my heart's desire is to be in God's will for my life. I want to be where He wants me to be, doing what He wants me to be doing. I've lived for myself long enough to know it's really not all it's cracked up to be, and the Creator of the universe has much better plans than what I can come up with. But when you let the Creator control your life, the problem is, you don't get a plan. He doesn't provide you with a little daytimer that shows what each moment is designated for. He doesn't give you a daily, weekly, monthly, or even yearly calendar! And that can pose quite a problem for a planner like me.

At this particular point in my life, I feel about as unorganized, unproductive, and unplanned as I ever have. We've made a huge transition in our lives with many unknowns still attached (when our house will sell, where we will live, whether or not I'll get a job, what type of job I will look for if I get one, who our new pastor will be, etc). I have absolutely no idea of what lies around the corner for us. My God-daytimer is blank.

So just a while ago, when God and I were having a little talk and I began to voice some of these frustrations, God scolded me (a bit harshly, if you ask me) and asked, "When have you ever really had a plan that you thought I had to stick to?" You see, I have failed to realize, that although there are times when I have felt more secure in my plans for the future than I do now, God has never been held to any of them. So although I may have felt more sure of what would happen, the reality is that my plans meant absolutely nothing and I was just as out-of-control of things as I am at this moment.

Sometimes we psych ourselves into thinking that as long as we have a plan, everything will go like it's supposed to. We think that if we have a plan, the future is more sure. We know what tomorrow holds. But plan or no, do we really? Can we really be sure of the future? Of course not! We aren't even promised to have a tomorrow. Only God knows what is ahead. Only He has plans that are not affected by circumstances and situations. Our security is not, and never has been in our own plans. It is only in knowing that God is always in control.

So do we wander aimlessly through life, never planning, never preparing, never dreaming for what is ahead? Of course not! But we can't forget that our plans come second to what God's ultimate plan is for us. I don't know anyone who has ever had God outright tell them His whole entire plan for their life. (It would be nice, though, wouldn't it!?) We walk by faith, not by sight. Following God requires trusting Him, even when we can't see what's ahead.

I don't know where you're at today. Perhaps things in your life are unfolding just as you thought they would. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Or maybe you are walking each day by faith, trusting that God is leading you. Either way, we are all in the same boat. God is not held to our plans. Tomorrow is not promised. We are not in control. God is. And although frustrating at times, I think it's better that way. :)

After all, God is definitely a planner like me...but His actually get carried out. And that's a promise.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Overwhelmed....With Love


I love my kids....BUT....sometimes they drive me absolutely crazy!

Yesterday was one of those days. Zoey is 3 1/2 and Kylie will be 2 next week. I'm sure there are scientific explanations for why they act the way they do at this age. Most likely there are books I could read about it and insight I could obtain from studies done about the toddler brain and what causes them to be obstinate, disobedient, defiant and just downright naughty. But when in the world between changing diapers, spankings, timeouts and trying to single-handedly keep my children from killing themselves and each other am I ever supposed to read any of these enlightening books? Alas, I must be destined to raise two completely adorable, yet often rotten children.

Wait a minute...am I talking about my children, or myself??

Because although I see myself oftentimes as my children obviously think of themselves (adorable, sweet, innocent, lovable) I am most definitely just as innately obstinate, disobedient, defiant and just downright naughty as they are.



That is why my Heavenly Father amazes me so. With my girls, I can try my best to deal with them justly and in love, but I am human. I fail. I get frustrated. Overwhelmed. Angry. Fed up. And then, like most normal mothers I know, I lose it. I overreact and become motivated by my anger or frustration rather than by love. I yell a little too loud. I place blame without finding out the whole story. I give in and let them do what they want instead of holding firm to our rules.

Being a parent is hard. That is why I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father. You see, many times, I am that obstinate, disobedient child. But unlike me, my Father never overreacts. He never gets overwhelmed or fed up with me. He chooses see past my wrong actions and see the daughter He loves. And although he disciplines as all parents must, He does it in love. He is love. He doesn't lose His temper and yell at me. He doesn't pin blame on me. He loves. He disciplines. He forgives. And as a daughter, I love Him for it.



Oh, that I would be a mother that would follow in her Father's footsteps. I want to be a parent that will look past the disobedience of my children to see the daughters that I love. I understand, just as my Father does about me, that their wrong actions do not define who they are. More importantly, they do not define who they will be. If I, as their mother, can discipline them with love, justice, and forgiveness, I will help to shape them into children who will accept and learn from correction- whether it be from their earthly parents or their Heavenly Father.

So today, I am choosing to stop, pray, take a deep breath, and look at my sweet little girls as gifts that I have been given to protect, teach and mold. I will never have these moments again. I will never get a do-over. Every day counts. And I want them to remember me for my unconditional love for them. Because if they do, perhaps they have caught a glimpse of my Heavenly Father's love through me. And that would be the ultimate compliment for such an imperfect mommy.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Time to Upgrade


My husband, Derick, always gets the latest and greatest phones and gadgets. I'm sure many of you are already aware of that, since he's not ashamed to brag about his new iPhone and iPad. He talks about them, posts things on facebook about them, and demonstrates them at every opportunity. It's fun for him to show off his new toys and enlighten his friends and myself about all the wonderful and exciting things they can do.

I, on the other hand, have his hand-me-down phones. They, at one time, were the latest and greatest, but these days it only takes a few months...sometimes a few weeks...before they are surpassed by more exciting devices. Although the phone I have works just fine, it's nothing worth bragging about. In fact, it would be almost absurd for me to talk about my phone the way Derick talks about his since there are so many newer and more advanced versions of the outdated phone that I have. Usually when it comes time to upgrade, I settle for the hand-me-down, while Derick is jumping at the chance to get something new.

It's not that I don't enjoy new things. I love playing around with Derick's new gadgets. But usually I'm too cheap to want to pay the extra money to upgrade to a fancier phone when I can use his old one that works just fine. Secretly, I wish that I had an iPhone. I envy his iPad. I would love to have the internet at my fingertips and the app that lets you bump your phone and automatically transfer information from one phone to another. But I settle for less, because I don't want to pay the price.

As I was pondering the irony of this situation today, God reminded me that often this is how we treat our Christian faith. The wonderful thing about a relationship with Christ is that it is supposed to be always changing, always evolving, always growing. Much like the technology today, we can be constantly introduced to new and exciting knowledge about God. And many people have the joy of experiencing just that. They seek after God. They spend time getting to know Him through study of His Word, prayer, and worship. They get to a place where the experience they have been having with God just isn't enough, and they pay the price to upgrade to a deeper revelation of who God is. We know who these people are. Much like someone who gets a new gadget or phone, they can't help but let their excitement about the Lord overflow into their conversation with others. They feel that this new revelation must be shared!

Some of us see these people and their ever-growing, ever-deepening relationships with God, and desire the same thing. We hear their excitement about the new things they are learning and experiencing through Christ, and deep inside we hunger for the same thing. But instead of making the sacrifice to have a greater revelation of God ourselves, we settle for the same faith we have carried around since childhood. We cling to our 3rd grade Sunday School lessons and memorized prayers that we have been saying for years. We figure, they still work, so why change? Why put forth the extra effort to "upgrade" to a more meaningful, newer revelation of who God is when what we have gets us by just fine?

I have been guilty of this. Just as I sit and admire Derick's iPhone with envy, I have admired the vibrant spiritual lives of others, yet been unwilling to pay the price to experience the same thing myself. The crazy thing is, sometimes I have walked around with my out-dated, stale faith and boasted about my relationship with Christ, as if I had something worth boasting about! Can you imagine someone in 2010 bragging about their Zack Morris 80's phone as if it was just as up-to-date as an iPhone? It would be absurd! But I've done that. And I would venture to say, most all of us have. We are content with, even proud of ourselves for the faith we have when, in reality, there is so much more to be had if we will just pay the price. Time. Commitment. Study. Change.

So I challenge you, as I have been challenged today: how long have you been carrying around the same "version" of your faith? Is it time for an upgrade? And if so, are you willing to pay the price to experience a new revelation of Christ? If we are, endless possibilities, knowledge and understanding about God are waiting for us. Now that is something worth sharing!