Afraid to be Loved

Through our adoption journey, I am learning much about my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  Since technically, as a child of God, I am adopted too, this has shed a new light on my struggles as a Christian.  My thoughts below stem out of this awakening to my complexities as an "adopted" child.


I've always known You loved me.
I knew from the beginning You wanted me.
But this conflict inside me, it wouldn't let me be loved by You.
I've always known You cared about me.
I knew from the beginning you went to great lengths to call me Your own.
But something deep within resisted Your affection.
I've pushed.
I've struggled.
I've refused to let You in.
It's not that I didn't want to.
I wanted to be loved, wanted, cared for.
I desired the embrace of someone who genuinely loved me.
But something wouldn't let me be vulnerable enough to be loved by You.
FEAR.
The fear that You would leave.
The fear that I would disappoint You.
The fear that You would walk away, just like everyone else.
Fear wouldn't let me be loved by You.
So here I am- an orphan, afraid and alone.
I long to belong, to be loved.
And there You are- a Father, arms open wide.
You long to lavish Your love upon me.
Perhaps...
Can I trust You?
Will You stay?
Will You hold me and love me?
Will You call me Your own?
Will You love me unconditionally?
Will You be my....Father?
I step closer...
Something rushes over me as I welcome Your embrace.
Emotions swirl inside of me.
Relief.  Joy.  Peace.
And something I have never experienced before-
Safety.
So this is what it is like to belong.
To be loved.
To be wanted.
To be safe in the arms of a Father.
My Father.
You wash away my fear,
And I am loved by You.